Before the play begins:

AUTHOR: Welcome one and all. I extend my warmest welcome to Theophilus, who so enjoyed my previous plays. And so, to the play!

Scene 1:
Jerusalem, town setting. The 11 apostles (PETER, JAMES ANDREW, PHILLIP, BARTHOLOMEW, MATTHEW, THOMAS, SECOND JAMES, THADDEUS and SIMON) are walking through a square.

THADDEUS: I’m telling you, we should have Chinese. It’s too warm for curry.

BARTHOLOMEW: I agree, curry would just sit too heavily in the stomach.

THOMAS: (incredulously) Too heavily in the stomach?! Its curry, it’s MEANT to be heavy!

MATTHEW: (Yorkshire Accent) aye, no-one’s disputing that, what we’re saying is the weather conditions make heavy food undesirable.

THADDEUS: Precisely. We should have a lighter, but equally delicious meal from the Far East.

PHILLIP: But if we have Chinese, we have that same old argument about whether we have Cantonese style of Szechuan style.

SIMON: So, we have a vote

PHILLIP: But we always have a vote, and Szechuan always wins 7-6 now that Judas Iscariot turned out to be a traitor. And I don’t like bloody Szechuan

(There is a bang, and Jesus appears)

JESUS: So why not go to Shafique, where they serve Cantonese, Indian and Thai food, at a reasonable price?

PETER: (exclamation) Jesus Christ!

JESUS: Yes?

PETER: OK, who put weed in my ciggie?

JESUS: Peter, you are not on drugs. I am Jesus, and I have returned

JOHN: Jesus, mate, you were killed 40 days ago. You were resurrected and it’s all groovy, we get it. Will you stop it now? Go see your dad.

JESUS: I intend to. I need a holiday, and paradise sounds dandy. But I’m here to tell you not to leave Jerusalem until you have received the gift of spirt.

PETER: Oh, brilliant, Whiskey? I love a good whiskey

SIMON: Oh, Pete, it’s always whiskey. Can’t we have Baileys for once, Jesus (pleading) PLEASE?

JESUS: I said Holy Spirit! As in one-third of the holy trinity!

THADDEUS: How will we know when we have received the spirit, though, Jeezy, if it doesn’t come in an adequately labelled bottle?

JESUS: Don’t call me Jeezy! You will just know! And until you know, don’t leave Jerusalem.

SECOND JAMES: OK, OK, we hear you (puts hand on Jesus’ shoulder. It goes through him. James steps back slightly perturbed). Are you going to go and restore Israel now?

JESUS: James, I’m not a bloody politician. Plus, I’m dead. The restoration of Israel shall occur when I return, not before.

PETER: Excellent, any idea when that’s going to be?

JESUS: Pete, you don’t get to know the time of the second coming. But it’s not imminent, I’m off on holiday. In the meantime, I have a job for you.

PHILLIP: Ooh, a job. Will it take long? Is it hard?

JESUS: It will take the rest of your lives, and will result in many of your deaths. (5 second silence).

THOMAS: It’s too late to back out now isn’t it?

JESUS: Yes, yes it is. Anyway, the Holy Spirit will give you great powers. You will then travel the world -

PETER: Ooh, I’ve always wanted to (spots Jesus giving him a harsh look, goes sheepish) travel.

JESUS: Throughout Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth, you will spread my word.

SIMON: The “ends of the earth”? Does that mean the Earth IS flat?

JESUS: (sighs) it’s an expression.

THADDEUS: Does that mean the Earth isn’t flat? Is it a cube? A torus?

JESUS: It doesn’t matter. Anyway, that’s your great commission, I’m off. Toodle-ooh. (A cloud materialises at his feet. He climbs on, and the cloud and Jesus begin to rise.) Yee-hah, gidee-up!

(The cloud and Jesus disappear into the sky. The apostles stare at the sky, some tearfully. Two men in white coats walk up, un-noticed)

MAN 1: Ooh, he’ll be back alright.

(MAN 2 nods)

Scene 2:
(The Apostles are back at their church. They are all in a big hall. Around 120 extras are present. Peter stands on a chair at the front)

PETER: (shouts) My friends! Judas who betrayed Jesus was allotted some of his ministry. He has since bought land with his blood money, where he fell and died. (A huge cheer).

CROWD MEMBER 1: His insides fell out!

CROWD MEMBER 2: Field of blood, how appropriate!

PETER: (signals for silence, which follows) Psalms says “let another take his office”, and so someone else who knew Jesus, from baptism by John, to death, must replace Judas. Lord, you know who it should be. Tell us. (Pause). Lord? (Pause). Sod it, we’ll have a vote. Any volunteers?

JUSTUS: I volunteer.

MATTHAIS: And so do I!

PETER: Any others? (None forthcoming). Right, we shall vote (Peter climbs off the chair, and the apostles form a huddle, muttering can be heard. After a few seconds, Peter climbs back onto the chair). The vote is as follows: There was one vote for Saddam Hussein (Thaddeus grins and flashes a thumbs up). There were three votes for Justus and 7 for Matthias. Therefore, Matthias is now an apostle! (A mixture of applause and groans greets this. Justus and Matthias shake hands. People turn away and generally begin to disperse. This dispersal continues throughout the remainder of the scene).

MATTHIAS: Wow, I’m so excited, I always wanted to be an apostle. It’s a fast-track to Sainthood, which was my boyhood dream! What will I be responsible for?

THOMAS: You are to be responsible for alcoholics, carpenters and tailors.

MATTHIAS: Oh, can’t I have lesbians?

PETER: No! Lesbianism is illegal! Haven’t you read Leviticus?

MATTHIAS: Levity-what? Is that by Moses?

JOHN: Blimey, Pete, who has read Leviticus? Doesn’t it say eating shellfish is a sin?

PETER: Yes, yes it does. But anyone who knew Jesus, and his love of King Prawn Vindaloo, knows that this is an in-joke.

MATTHIAS: So I can’t have lesbians. Can’t I at least have a few more responsibilities? Simon’s got a huge list. (To Simon) I read your Wikipedia page.

SIMON: My name’s not Simon

THADDEUS: Hang on, say that again? You’ve answered to Simon the whole time I’ve known you

SIMON: Yes, but my real name is John. Jesus called me Simon, and I was too scared to argue. It’s OK, I like “Simon” as a name.

MATTHIAS: Yeah, but you got butchers and horologists and –

ANDREW: And people with foot problems (uproarious laughter)

JAMES: Yeah, John the chiropodist! (more laughter)

PETER: (Fighting back tears) Come on guys, let’s go to Shafique, give Matthias a welcome

Scene 3
(The Apostles are in Shafique, Jesus favourite Jerusalem restaurant. It serves contemporary Indian, Thai and Chinese cuisine, in a simple and generically decorated room. It is quite full)

JOHN: Happy Pentecoast everyone! And welcome to apsotlehood, Matthias. (A wind blows open the doors. Staff rush to shut the door).

WAITER: (apologetically) Terribly sorry, good sirs. A sudden gust, it shalln’t happen again.

JOHN: It’s OK, you don’t control the weather

WAITER: Oh, I didn’t know you spoke Hindi

JOHN: I don’t

WAITER: But you just spoke to me in Hindi!

THADDEUS: No, he said it in my native Greek.

JOHN: No, it was Hebrew

PETER: My word, you are speaking in tongues.

MATTHEW: Surely, not! Are you seriously suggesting that wind was the Holy Spirit, and now people hear us speaking in their own languages

WAITER: None of you speak Hindi, yet I’m hearing you in Hindi?!? It’s an act of God!

SIMON: (scoffs) It’s too much wine!

JOHN: Or dodgy Aloo Gobi.

PETER: Its 9am, it cannot be too much wine

THADDEUS: Hang on, if it’s 9am why are we having curry?

PETER: Because by the time we’d selected Matthias, the place was closed. And none of us fancied beans on toast. So we decided to come here for Breakfast. Anyway, much more important, we are clearly speaking in tongues. Agreed? (Apostles look at each other and nod). Joel, the only American prophet, predicted God what put the spirit of himself into men. Apparently, the idea is that children have the power of prophecy, the young have visions,  the old get dreams.

WAITER: That’s disgusting. Old men are impotent for a reason!

PETER: (witheringly) Not wet dreams! (Now stands on the table). People! (Everyone turns from their meals to look at Peter). Jesus was the son of God and you killed him. But God has raised him from the dead! God told David that he would put his son upon the throne, he predicted the resurrection of the Messiah and it has happened! Make no mistake, Jesus was the Messiah. (The Audience looks at one another, with a mixture of shock, horror and scepticism).

DINER 1: (comforting his distraught wife) What are we to do?

PETER: Repent! Repent and be baptized, and all will be forgiven. God promises it to everyone! (Crowd begins to agree, and a queue to be baptised forms around John, the Baptist.)

JOHN: Wow, there must be 3000 people here! (to waiter) Get me 300 bottles of mineral water. (To apostles) Are you guys going to help?

SECOND MATTHEW: No way, you’re the Baptist!

MATTHIAS: Thank God I’m not!

PETER: (crossly) Matthias, please don’t blaspheme (Matthias blushes and looks apologetic)

VOICEOVER: The apostles taught everyone, and performed many wonders. All the believers shared their things, sold their property and possessions and shared them according to need. They went to the temple everyday with sincerity of heart, praising God. Every day more and more were converted.

Scene 4:
(Peter and John walking towards a temple. A policeman is just inside the gate. Other people are walking up towards the temple).

PETER: (To John) Ah, Three O’clock prayers. My favourite prayers!

BEGGAR: (To Peter and John) Spare change? I am lame and cannot work

PETER: I don’t have any money, but I shall give you what I have. In the name of Jesus, walk.

BEGGAR: (Sceptically) Are you mad? I can’t (tries to stand up)... (awed) I can walk. (shouts) I can walk! I’m walking. Praise God!

POLICEMAN: (walking over from temple) I am arresting you, for fraud. For years you have begged as a lame man, when in fact you are not.

ONLOOKER 1: Holy smoke! That lame beggar is walking! Can you see?

PETER: (addressing a growing crown of stunned onlookers, and the policeman) Why are you amazed? I did not do this – God did. You killed Jesus, a man as holy as this beggar’s socks (gestures at the beggars holey socks). God brought him back to life, and now he has made this man well. You and your leaders were ignorant when you killed him, we know. It’s OK! God predicted it through all the prophets and it happened. Repent and covert, your sins shall be washed away.

ONLOOKER 2: But it’s not time for my annual bath for another month!

PETER: (ignoring the last comment) He’s coming back!  God predicted that too, through the prophets. And it was the great prophet Moses who said we should listen to all the prophets, or else be cut off from the people.

PRIEST: (flanked by temple Guard and Sadducees) Silence! You may not preach this rubbish! You are all arrested. (Temple guards take Peter and John into custody in chains)

JOHN: (sarcastically to Peter, as they are led away) Well done Peter. A night behind bars, just perfect.

Scene 5:
(The next day, Peter and John are brought before the court, Sanhedrin. It’s 23 members are composed of religious leaders, elders, and priests. The High Priest Annas is in charge)

John: (to Peter) Oh my, there are 23 of them! Pete, 23!

Peter: (in reply) So?

John: (hissed) Have you not seen the film, the number 23? 23 is a very bad number!

HIGH PREST ANNAS: (entering) Silence! Sanhedrin in session! Peter: Why have you done this?

Peter: (a light shine on him and he raises his arms) We have done good and healed a cripple, in the name of Jesus, who you crucified! He was raised from the dead by his father, God. There is no salvation except through Jesus.

PRIEST: (to the other 22) I am amazed at their confidence and education. Unlike any other criminal we have dealt with.

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: Bring in the cripple (the policeman brings in the beggar)

BEGGAR: I can walk!

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: Remove the cripple (Policeman and beggar leave. Turns to the other 22) We cannot punish them, for everyone knows they have done good. But we must warn them not to claim to speak in His name again. (To Peter and John) You are free to go. But you must never claim to speak in his name again.

PETER: It is impossible for us not to speak about what we have seen and heard.

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: You have been warned. We will not tolerate this again. Guard, release them (the guard releases them. Peter and John walk out of the court onto the steps. A lone man turns and sees them)

LONE MAN: Hey, it’s the cripple healers! Praise God for you! That man had been crippled for 40 years! Tell me about God! (Peter starts to begin speaking, but John stops him)

JOHN: I’m sorry, maybe another day. We must return to see our friends

Scene 6:
(Peter and John have returned to the other disciples at the church. They have just told them what happened)

PETER: And that is what happened.

SECOND MATTHEW: I say, we must continue, regardless of how dangerous it becomes. I pray to God for boldness. (An earthquake). I say, the earth is quaking – a sure sign of God’s presence

THADDEUS: I must say I feel much bolder now. (Thoughtful pause, before looking hopeful). I pray to God for Pepperoni pizza (no earthquake during  pause)

MATTHEW: I don’t think God will b giving us boldness AND pepperoni pizza.

THADDEUS: Shame

SIMON: Anyway, whilst you were gone, more people have been baptized. Any sold their houses and donated the proceeds to the fund.

ANDREW: Yeah, can we go to Vegas and put it all on number 23? (John shudders)

PETER: No. We must spend it extending this church for the growing community

Scene 7:
(Peter and Bartholomew are counting money)

BARTHOLOMEW: That’s excellent, more than enough to add room for an extra 1000 people.

ANANIAS: (entering, carrying a pile of coins, to Sapphira, out of earshot of Peter and Bartholomew) They will accept us only if we tell them we gave them the whole amount. But we keep some for ourselves and live comfortably. (To Peter) Here, Peter, is all the money from the sale of our land.

BARTHOLOMEW: Wow, that’s great

PETER: All the money, Ananias?

ANANIAS: Yes, all the money

PETER: Why has Satan filled you with the desire to lie? You have every right to keep some money, but you must not lie.

ANANIAS: How did you know?

PETER: You lie to God, and God always knows. And God punishes. (Ananias and Sapphira drop down dead). Bartholomew, take them and bury them

BARTHOLOMEW: (scared) What happened?

PETER: They lied to us and lied to God, which is unacceptable

Scene 8:
(Peter returns from work, walks in and sees John)

JOHN: Afternoon Peter, how was work?

PETER: Not bad, not bad. Cured the sick throughout the city. People came from miles away.

JOHN: No way

PETER: Way

JOHN: No way

PETER: Way.

PRIEST: (enters, with the policeman) Peter! You are under arrest! You have ignored us, we told you to stop this, you false prophet. We cannot bury our head in the sand. (To policeman) take him to prison. The Sanhedrin will judge you tomorrow. (Peter is lead away)

JOHN: (to the priest) Why are you doing this? It’s because we’re popular, isn’t it?

PRIEST: Perhaps. But also because you are dangerous

Scene 9
(Peter, asleep in a prison cell, for it is night. Enter an angel of the Lord)

ANGEL: Peter, wake up, take my hand and I shall free you

PETER: (sleepily) Are you an angel?

ANGEL: Yes, yes I am. Come, and teach

Scene 10:
(Outside the prison cell, a prison guard stands. Up walks the Priest)

PRIEST: Open the door, the Sanhedrin is ready. (Guard opens the door, Peter is not there). My word, he has gone! (pauses, and looks around). Wait, there he is, outside. (enraged) He’s preaching. Guard, arrest him. But use no force – that crowd will stone you.

Scene 11:
(Peter is brought before the Sanhedrin by the guard)

HIGH PRIST ANNAS: Order! Peter, you are being charged with ignoring the Sanhedrin, the penalty is death. Will anyone defend this man?

GAMALIEL: (one of the 23) I am a law teacher -

AUDIENCE MEMBER: (called Lauren) Law teacher? I hate my law teacher!

GAMALIEL: Called Gamaliel.

HIGH PRIST ANNAS: Indeed, Gamaliel, you are also a universally respected Rabbi. What say you?

GAMALIEL: Consider, people the situation. One of two things is true. Either these people are false prophets, in which case the movement will die out. Consider the now forgotten Judas the Galilean. If they are true prophets, you are fighting God Almighty himself. We should leave them be.

HIGH PRIST ANNAS: If we leave them alone, they may not just die out. In 2000 years, their theology could be dominant, regardless of how wrong it is. We should flog them, and insist they stop. Agreed? (Members of the Sanhedrin nod). Then it is so. (Peter is lead away).

Scene 12:
(The disciples and followers are going about their business. Thaddeus runs up to Peter.)

THADDEUS: (breathless) Peter, Peter (pants) The Greek speakers are complaining that the Hebrew speakers get preferential treatment.

PETER: (standing on chair, to Thaddeus) then let us elect some accountants.

THADDEUS: You like standing on that chair don’t you?

PETER: Yes, indeed. (to the gathered believers). My friends! To ensure equality, choose from amongst yourselves around half a dozen people to keep accounts. If they have Maths degrees, or A-level accounting, that would be a great help. (Hubbub as people are chosen. One by one, 7 people step forward. Peter steps off the chair). Prochorus, excellent (Peter puts his hand on Prochorus’ shoulders). Nicanor, Timon, Parmenas, Nicholas, superb (Peter repeats the hand on shoulders action as he says each name). Phillip, marvellous, do you mind being known as Phil?

PHIL: Good idea, then I shall not get confused with Phillip the apostle.

PETER: Excellent (Peter again repeats the hand on shoulders action). And Stephen. I sense great things for you.

Scene 13:
(Stephen before the Sanhedrin)

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: Stephen, you have been arrested and brought here for your blasphemous conversions. Bring in the witness! (Enter the witness).

WITNESS: I saw this man preaching about the son of God. He is as blasphemous as they come.

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: Stephen, what have you to say in your defence?

STEPHEN: History shows that people reject Gods messangers. God appeared to Abraham in Mesopotamia, and told him to go to Haran. Then, when his father died, and he had paid the capital gains and inheritance taxes, God told him to come here to Jerusalem. God said our people would be enslaved for 400 years, then freed and they would worship him. Issace was circumcised (male audience members shudder), as are we all. Then Joseph –

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: Is this at all relevant?

STEPHEN: (stereotypical gay) Shut up! Anyway, Joseph was sold into family but God rescued him from the Pharaoh and put him in charge. Then there was a famine so Jacob sent our ancestors to Egypt for the first time. Joseph made himself known to Pharaoh, and snet for his father Jacob and his 75 man clan.

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: Blimey, were they the world’s most fertile people?

PRIEST: And had they no contraception?

STEPHEN: When Jacob died, he was buried in a tomb owned by Abrahams. There were many people in Egypt when Gods promise to Abraham was fulfilled. A new King who knew nothing of Joseph came to power, and oppressed our ancestors and their children to death. Moses, beautiful Moses, was one such child, nursed at his father’s house but saved by Pharaohs own daughter. And so Moses was educated as an Egyptian, and he walked like an Egyptian -

SCRIBE: That’s on my iPod!

STEPHEN: At 40 he visited us Israelites. He saw one of us bullied and stepped in, killing the Egyptian bully. God offered our ancestors deliverance through him but they did not understand. Moses tried to stop them squabbling but they laughed at him, said “are you going to kill us too? You are not our ruler.” Moses fled and fathered two sons. Another 40 years later, an angel appeared to him at Mount Sinai in a burning bush and God said “I am the God of your fathers”

PRIEST: [as Darth Vader] I am your father. (much laughter. Stephen looks annoyed)

STEPHEN: And God said “Take your sandals –

PRIEST: And your shirts, and your shorts... (more laughter, Priest and High Priest Annas hi-five)

STEPHEN: (stereotypically gay) Please. Let me finish! (continues) “Take off you sandals for where you stand is holy. I have heard the cries from Egypt and I shall send you, aged 80, to rescue them.” Moses was sent by God as deliverer and ruler. He led them across the red sea, into the desert

ELDER: (snorts, and wakes up) What dessert?

STEPHEN: (looking cross) Into the desert for 40 years. He received the 10 commandments, yet he was ignored and people returned to Egypt. Many years later, David asked God to reside with us, but God remains in heaven, Earth is his footstool. For the house built for him, he in fact built himself.

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: Get to the point, you blabbering homosexual!

STEPHEN: (angry at yet another interruption) The point is this: These people, like their ancestors, oppose the holy spirit. Which prophets did you not persecute and kill? You are betrayer and murderer of all who foretold the coming of the righteous one. The angels transmitted the law, but you do not observe it. So it is now, I am a prophet, and you shall persecute me. Can I get an Amen?

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: What on earth are you doing?

STEPHEN: I just invented gospel.

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: What?

STEPHEN: Singing in what will one day be known as the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints. I’ll be a later day saint, I don’t like early mornings.

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: So, in summary, your defence is “I’m guilty, but I’m right”

STEPHEN: Yep, the best kinda guilty baby (wink. The Sanhedrin goes into uproar.) I see the heavens and Jesus, to the ben of God.

HIGH PRIEST ANNAS: You suggest Jesus is Benjamin?

STEPHEN: Benjamin meaning “son of the right hand”, in our native Hebrew... Yes, I do.

PRIEST: Blasphemy! Blasphemy of the highest order! Jesus is not the son of God. You who do not believe; you shall remain Jews. We who believe in Christ... We are Crews! (The Sanhedrin enters pandaemonium and rushes upon him. He is dragged outside and stoned)

STEPHEN: Lord, do not hold it against them (Stephen becomes the first Christian Martyr)


Scene 14:
(Phillip has been in Samaria preaching. He is so successful that Peter and John have come to give the Holy Spirit to the Samarians)

PETER: Ah, Samaria. I love it at this time of year. Phillip, good to see you, it’s been a while!

PHILLIP: Peter! John! Welcome! What news on Saul?

JOHN: He has continued to hunt down Crews and imprison them. You were right to flee, mate. What have you been up to here?

PHILLIP: You know; the usual. Preaching and miracles, mainly. Curing paralysis and helping cripples went down well. Exorcisms probably the most popular miracle, though - the film hasn’t been released here yet.

PETER: Excellent, excellent. You have baptized many, I here. None have received the Holy Spirit?

PHILLIP: Not one.

PETER: Well, hopefully we can give it to them. (Enter Simon Magus). Who’s this?

PHILLIP: This is Simon Magus. He used to perform magic here, claiming to be someone great.

SIMON MAGUS: Alright mate. I did it for so long; people thought I was someone great. Want to see a card trick?

PETER: No thank you. Magic is the work of Satan.

JOHN: Oh, Peter, do you have to be such a... a... Catholic?!

PETER: We are here, John, to deliver these people the Holy Spirit, not watch sleight of hand.

SIMON MAGUS: Holy Spirit? How much will that cost me?

PETER: May you and your money perish, because you though you could buy it.

SIMON MAGUS: Oh, come on, surely a few 100 denari will help..?

PETER: You have no part in this if you though that. Repent and pray – God may forgive you.

Scene 15:
(Phillip is taking the desert route to Gaza)

PHILLIP: (to himself) I don’t bloody believe it. 3 years I spent in Samaria. We come back to Jerusalem, the least I expected was a few days off. Oh no. Damn angel. The desert route to Gaza? God only gets us to do it because he’s too scared of Hez-bloody-bollah. (To the heavens) Nice and safe up there, God? (At that precise moment a chariot pulls up alongside him. In it is an Ethiopian Eunuch)

EUNUCH: Hello, strange man. Are you lost?

PHILLIP: No, I am on my way to Gaza. (Spots a book the Eunuch is reading). Say, is that Issiah?

EUNUCH: Indeed

PHILLIP: Do you know what it means?

EUNUCH: Alas no. I am chief treasurer to the Queen – numbers are my forte, not words. How can I, unless someone instructs me? Can you? Come into my chariot.

PHILLIP: Thank you good sir. I shall read to you. (Finds page). Oh, here’s a good bit, "Like a sheep he was led to the slaughter, and as a lamb before its shearer is silent, so he opened not his mouth. In his humiliation justice was denied him. Who will tell of his posterity? For his life is taken from the earth.”

EUNUCH: I beg you, about whom is the prophet saying this; is it about himself, or about someone else?

PHILLIP: It is about Jesus of Nazareth, the son of God. Through belief in him, all your sins can be forgiven, and when you die, you can spend eternity in heaven with Him.

EUNUCH: What must I do, now that you have convinced me already?

PHILLIP: You believe already? Blimey, that was the quickest conversion ever. Er... you need to be baptized.

EUNUCH: Can we do it in that oasis there?

PHILLIP: No, it needs to be water, not fruit juice. Oh, THAT Oasis. I see. Er... as long as it’s not a mirage, then yes. (They get out and walk over to the Oasis. Philip baptizes him)

EUNUCH: Praise God! Praise Phillip! I am saved. You must be a prophet you’re flying away. Goodbye, safe trip!

PHILLIP: (whilst flying away). Thank you Holy Spirit. It was bloody hot own there. To
Caesarea!

Scene 16:
(Paul of Tarsus, known as Saul, is on his way to Damascus to kill the Crews. He is with some companions)

SAUL: (singing) On the way to Damascus, to kill a load of Crews. Don’t you just love life? (A blinding flash. He falls to ground and hears a voice). Argh! I am blinded!

GIRLS VOICE: Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?

SAUL: Who are you, sir?

GIRLS VOICE: "I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. Now get up and go into the city and you will be told what you must do.

SAUL: How can you be Jesus when you have a girl’s voice?

GIRLS VOICE: My voice is like the voice of “Big Brother”. It changes regularly. Now go to Damascus, and await my instructions

COMPANION: (scared) who-who-who’s there? I hear a voice but see no-one.

SAUL: I don’t know, but I can’t see. You must lead me to Damascus.

Scene 17:
(It is a few days later. Saul and his companions are in Damascus.)

COMPANION: Saul, you have not eaten or drunk for three days. I know you cannot see, but please eat something. (Enter Ananias)

ANANIAS: Which of you is Saul?

SAUL: I be Saul. Who are you, and what is your business?

ANANIAS: My name is Ananias. I had a vision. I said to God, “I am here”. And God said to me "Get up and go to the street called Straight and ask at the house of Judas for a man from Tarsus named Saul. He is there praying, and in a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him, that he may regain his sight." Have you had this vision?

SAUL: I must confess I have.

COMPANION: Why didn’t you tell me?

SAUL: Because neither of us believes. I thought you would think me mad.

ANANIAS: It’s worst than that, you are a killer! I said to the Lord, "Lord, I have heard of this man, what evil things he has done to your holy ones in Jerusalem. And he has authority from the chief priests to imprison all who call upon your name." But the Lord said to me, "Go, for this man is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before Gentiles, kings, and Israelites, and I will show him what he will have to suffer for my name." So here I am. (he lays his hand upon Saul). "Saul, my brother, the Lord has sent me, that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit." (Scales fall from his eyes and he regains his sight).

SAUL: I am amazed.  Ananias, you must baptize me. I will eat and regain strength, and then I shall preach the word of God.

Scene 18:
(A few weeks later, and Saul is asleep. There is a knock on the door)

SAUL: Come in! (Enter a Crew).

CREW: The Jews are coming to kill you Saul. We must leave. Now.

SAUL: But I have been proclaiming the truth! The people said, "Is not this the man who in Jerusalem ravaged those who call upon this name, and came here expressly to take them back in chains to the chief priests?".

CREW: Yes, but the non-believers are keeping watch on the gates day and night, we must leave. Now.

SAUL: Where should I go?

CREW: The apostles will take you in, in Jerusalem

Scene 19
(Barnabas and Saul arrive at the house of the apostles. Barnabas knocks on the door, and Bartholomew answers)

BARTHOLOMEW: Barnabas! You have betrayed us! Is this not Saul, who would arrest us all? You have betrayed us like Judas before you. (Apostles gather round)

BARNABAS: Don’t be so silly. Saul is converted. He has seen the Lord, and done much preaching in Damascus. He spoke boldly.

PETER: Then you shall join us preaching here in Jerusalem. With your help, there will be less persecution in Judea, Galilee, and Samaria.

Scene 20:
(In Joppa, Tabitha has just died. Her family are distraught. Peter arrives)

PETER: (arriving) Hello. You sent for me. What can I do for you?

FATHER: (Wails) Why, why has my darling Tabitha died? She was completely occupied with good deeds, and now she lies on her bed, dead. What are we to do?

PETER: I see. Whose idea was it to send for me?

MOTHER: It was mine. I said to my husband, ‘The great apostle Peter is nearby, in Lydda. Judy next door says that there, he found Aeneas, who had been confined to bed for 8 years by paralysis. Peter said to him, "Aeneas, Jesus Christ heals you. Get up and make your bed." And so he did. All of Lydda saw him, and has been converted. We should send for him’. So we got out the yellow pages, and called you.

FATHER: (still weeping) See these clothes? She made them. Why was she to die?

PETER: (nodding) Take me to her. (They walk through into the room with her body, and Peter ushers them out. He kneels down and preys). Tabitha, rise up. (She opens her eyes, saw Peter, and sat up. She walks into the original room).

FATHER: Praise the Lord! May all of Joppa believe in this miracle.

PETER: (preparing to leave) My work here is done. I shall go to visit my friend, Simon the tanner. (Departs).

Scene 21:
(In Caesarea there is man named Cornelius)

CORNELIUS: (calling out) Servants! Come! (Enter the servants)

SERVANT 1: Yes, Master?

CORNELIUS: At 3 o’clock, I had a vision. An angel came to me and said, "Cornelius, the centurion archer". I replied "What is it, sir?". The angel said "Your prayers and charity giving have been noted. Send some men to Joppa and summon one Simon who is called Peter”.

SERVANT 2: A Simon who is called Peter?

CORNELIUS: I know, apparently he was called Simon. Now he’s known as Peter. Anyway, you must go to Joppa and find him for me, and bring him here.

SERVANT 1: Where can we find this man?

CORNELIUS: He is staying with another Simon, a tanner, who has a home by the sea.

SERVANT 2: Wow, when we get there, will he say “Welcome to the home by the sea”?

CORNELIUS: (Confused) What? Possibly

SERVANT 1: It was a joke, master. One of his favourite bands, genesis, did a song called “home by the sea”

CORNELIUS: No, no, this isn’t Genesis, this is Acts! Just get going! (Servants depart)

Scene 22:
(It is noon the next day, and Peter is on Simon’s roof in Joppa, praying. The roof is accessible by ladder)

PETER: ... Thank you Lord, Amen. I hope that food is nearly ready, I’m hungry. (The heavens open. A large sheet is lowered to the ground, by the four corners. In it are all earths four legged animals, and birds)

VOICE: Get up, Peter. Slaughter and eat.

PETER: Certainly not, sir. For never have I eaten anything profane and unclean

VOICE: What God has made clean, you are not to call profane.Get up, Peter. Slaughter and eat.

PETER: Certainly not, sir. For never have I eaten anything profane and unclean

VOICE: What God has made clean, you are not to call profane. Get up, Peter. Slaughter and eat.

PETER: Certainly not, sir. For never have I eaten anything profane and unclean

VOICE: What God has made clean, you are not to call profane. (The sheet disappears into the sky)

PETER: What on earth did that mean? (Enter the Servants, below)

SERVANT 1: Peter formerly known as Simon, not Simon. Hello?

VOICE: There are three men here looking for you. Go with them because I have sent them.

PETER: That is I, call me Peter, can I help you. Why are you here?

SERVANT 2: Cornelius, a centurion and respected Jew, was told by an angel to call you to his house and to hear what you have to say.

PETER: Where can I find him?

SERVANT 1: In Caesarea

PETER: Then we must go to Caesarea, as soon as we have eaten and slept.

Scene 23
(A few days later, they have arrived in Caesarea. Cornelius’ family and close friends are at his  house. Enter Peter. Cornelius falls at Peter’s feet and pays him homage)

PETER: Get up. I myself am also a human being. (he surveys the scene, a mixture of Jews and Gentiles) You know it is unlawful for a Jewish man to visit a Gentile, but God has shown me that I should not call any person profane or unclean. And that is why I came... why have you summoned me?

CORNELIUS: Four days ago I was at prayer here when a man in dazzling robes stood before me and said, 'Cornelius, your prayer has been heard by God. Send for Simon, who is called Peter –

CORNELIUS’ SISTER: So you are in fact called Simon

PETER: No, I have not been known as Simon for many a year. (To Cornelius) Continue.

CONRELIUS: This Peter is a guest of Simon, a tanner, in a home by the sea

CORNELIUS’ BROTHER: Oh, so you are a Genesis fan, Peter?

PETER: Jesus was the Genesis fan. Cornelius?

CORNELIUS: So I sent for you and you came. Now we are all here in the presence of God to listen to all that you have been commanded by the Lord.

PETER: In truth, God shows no partiality. Rather, everywhere he who believes is acceptable to him. You know what he said through Jesus, what has happened all over Judea, beginning in Galilee after the baptism that John preached, how God anointed Jesus with the holy Spirit and power. He went about doing good and healing all those oppressed by the devil, for God was with him. We are witnesses of all that he did both in the country of the Jews, Israel, and Jerusalem. They put him to death by hanging him on a tree

CORNELIUS: (cross) They what?!

PETER: He was crucified. Did you not know?

CORNELIUS: (upset) alas, we haven’t bought a newspaper for months. They’ve gone up to 50p!

CORNELIUS’ FRIEND: That’s inflation for you

CORNELIUS MOTHER: It’s a scandal

CORNELIUS FATHER: What, inflation or the crucifixion of Christ?

PETER: Both. Anyway, this man God raised and we drank with him after he rose. He commissioned us to preach to the people and testify that he is the one appointed by God as judge of the living and the dead. Everyone who believes in him will receive forgiveness of sins through his name. (The Holy Spirit falls upon them)

CORNELIUS: The word of God is amazing.

CORNELIUS’ FRIEND: Corey! You are speaking Latin!

CORNELIUS: But I do not speak Latin

PETER: What has happened, is you know hear each other speak in your native language. The Holy Spirit is upon you. Now, we must baptize you, and you will be saved.

CORNELIUS’ FRIEND: (annoyed) Hang on a minute! These people are uncircumcised (all shudder) Gentiles! You cannot seriously baptize them. Only Jews like me, surely?

PETER: Can anyone withhold the water for baptizing these people, who have received the Holy Spirit even as we have?

CORNELIUS: Thank you, please, baptizes us and stays for a few days.

Scene 24:
(A few more days later, Peter has returned to Jerusalem)

ONLOOKER: It’s Peter! Peter (Peter turns) Is it true you have been converting gentiles?

PETER: It is indeed.

ONLOOKER: That’s disgusting! You entered the house of uncircumcised (all shudder) people and ate with them.

PETER: I had a vision. A large sheet coming down, lowered from the sky by its four corners, and it came to me.

ONLOOKER: (incredulous) A large sheet? Are you mad?

PETER: No, this is what I saw. In the sheet were all the animals and –

ONLOOKER: All of them? Including flamingos?

PETER: Including flamingos. A voice said ‘Peter. Slaughter and eat.' I said, ‘no, I do not eat the unclean’ but the voice said 'What God has made clean, you are not to call profane.' This happened 3 times. Then 3 men appeared, and the spirit told me to accompany them. So I went.

ONLOOKER: So, hang on, you ate a flamingo? That’s awful. I hear they are quite chewy...

PETER: (frustrated) No, I didn’t eat a flamingo you nincompoop! But I could have done

ONLOOKER: Sick

PETER: Anyway, the men took me to see a man called Cornelius. An angel had told him to summon me, Peter formerly known as Simon.

ONLOOKER: Hang on, you used to be known as Simon?!

PETER: Many moons ago. Anyway, can I PLEASE finish the story? (Onlooker nods). So, Cornelius had called me to save him.

ONLOOKER: Oh God, he needed save him? What happened, was he fighting an alligator?

PETER: (infuriated) Spiritually, you moron! Just shut up and let me explain. As I spoke, the Holy Spirit came to them too. Remember how God said  “you will be baptized with the holy Spirit”? If God gave them the same gift he gave to us when we came to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, who was I to be able to hinder God?"

ONLOOKER: Blimey, so God has then granted life-giving repentance to the Gentiles too.

Scene 25:
(After the treatment of Stephen, many Crews fled and preached elsewhere. Barnabas has arrived with Saul in one such place, Antioch)

BARNABAS: Oh, sunny Antioch.

SAUL: I have never been here before. Why did you fetch me from Tarsus to come here?

BARNABAS: To meet, this man, coming here to meet us. (Calls) Afternoon, Vicar! (The Vicar of Antioch approaches, waving)

VICAR: Greetings Barnabas, Saul (he shakes their hands). Welcome to Antioch! Much has been achieved, as you know, Thank God (Barnabas and Vicar laugh)

SAUL: (lost) What’s funny?

VICAR: (chuckling) Thank God?

SAUL: Still not following.

BARNABAS: It’s a humorous one-liner based on “thank God” being a common expression of gratitude amongst people of all religions.

SAUL: (finally chuckling) I see. Thank God!

BARNABAS: So, vicar, what has been achieved here?

VICAR: Many people have been converted and taught about Jesus. And one of my parishioners has come up with a fantastic idea. Why no longer call ourselves Crews. We prefer Christian. (Grin)

BARNABAS: (raving) Oh; that is lovely! It really conveys that we follow Christ!

SAUL: (disappointed) I did so like Crews though...

BARNABAS: Yes but Christian... Christian. It sounds like a name. A boy’s name. And you just feel like the name could be around in 2000 years time.

SAUL: (coming round) That’s true. “Crews” just sounds like a group of men.

VICAR: Yes. And we are now much bigger than that. We are beginning to show people the world over that belief in Jesus is the only way to go. (Enter Agabus, looking crazed and dishevelled)

AGABUS: (loud and crazily, grabbing Saul) FAMINE!

SAUL: (spluttering) what on

AGABUS: FAMINE COMING!

VICAR: Agabus. Say you a famine is coming?

AGABUS: (nods) Worse than under Claudius (runs off cackling)

BARNABAS: Rest assured, vicar. When we were return to Jerusalem, we will tell the elders, and they will send what help they can.

VICAR: Thank you, thank you both. But for now, let us rejoice in the growth of Christianity here!

Scene 26:
(Peter is asleep in prison when a real Angel appears. He is chained up, and a light shines into the cell)

ANGEL: Peter, wake up

PETER: (waking)... Hmmm... What? Is it time for Herod to try me already?

ANGEL: No, look, the soldiers outside are asleep. I am here to free you

PETER: Oh, cool. Slight problem; how are you going to get me out of these? (Signals to chains. They fall off).

ANGEL: Get up, put on your sandals and belt (Peter does) and now your cloak (he does). Now follow me (leads him out of prison, past guards)

PETER: (whilst following) Wow, you’re the most bossy vision I’ve ever had

ANGEL: I’m not a vision, I’m a real angel

PETER: No way. Hang on, let me check the script (he picks up a script which has been lating on the ground. He reads for a miute, repeating bits of previous lines for effect.) Ah, here we go, Scene 26: Peter is asleep in prison when a real Angel appears. So you are real. (By now they have arrived at the prison’s iron gate. The angel goes through it) Wow, cool, can I do that too?

ANGEL: No. (Signals for the gate to open, which it does)

PETER: Oh, that would have been cool. (Angel slowly fades away, smiling). Now I know for certain that the Lord sent his angel and rescued me from Herod. He’s already had James beheaded, but I am saved. I wonder why? I must go see Mark. He’s staying with his mother.

Scene 27
(Peter at the house of Mary, mother of Mark. Try saying that 3 times. Peter knocks three times on the door)

RHONDA: Who’s there?

PETER: It’s Peter

RHONDA: Peter who?

PETER: Peter Pan, who do you think?! Peter the apostle

RHONDA: (calls to Mark and Mary) Mark, Mary, come quick, Peter is at the door!

MARK: You are out of your mind, girl.

MARY: It is his angel.

PETER: (knocking again) If I’m an angel, who’s knocking? (Rhonda opens the door. Mark and Mary look amazed). The Lord sent an angel to release me. (Looks at Mark) You must report this to James and the other report this.

MARK: Why can’t you?

PETER: I am going to another place

MARK: Anywhere nice?

PETER: I have no idea.

MARK: (confused) So... how do you know where you’re going?

PETER: I don’t. Did you not know, all of our activities are fixed?

MARK: What, God has told you what he has planned for you?

PETER: No, I found a book. It’s called “Acts”. It’s written by some bloke called Luke. Apparently, when people read about Jesus, they will wonder what happened to the apostles. So, he decided to write it down. And this bits in there. And now I go to another place.

Scene 28:
(Inside the prison at dawn, Herod has come for his prisoner)

HEROD: Guards! Open the door. I want my prisoner. (Guards open the door) Er... Where is my prisoner?

GUARD 1: Er... we chained him up last night but he seems to have gone now

HEROD: I can see that. Where is he?

GUARD 2: I was awake all night

GUARD 1: So was I

GUARD 2: Except when you went to the vending machine for a Twix

GUARD 1: (indignant) Hey, you said you wouldn’t tell! Is this because I couldn’t get you a Mars bar?

GUARD 2: No, it’s because you wouldn’t give me any Twix.

HEROD: (enraged) You pair are incompetent! I should have you beheaded. This is the voice of a god, not of a man! (He suddenly falls down dead)

GUARD 1: (tentative) Er... King Herod? Are-are you OK?

GUARD 2: (shocked) I think he’s dead. Obviously he’s not a God...

Scene 29:
(The church of Antioch, located in Antioch. The Men are worshipping)

BARNABAS: Praise the Lord for our food!

SYMEON: And for this lovely weather!

SAUL: And for the maps, which make sense of all of these diverse geographic locales we visit!

LUCIUS: For if they were ever lost, no-one would have a bloody clue how far from Jerusalem Antioch is!

HOLY SPIRIT: Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them

SAUL: Cool, Road trip!

BARNABAS: Just tell us where to go

HOLY SPIRIT: To Cyprus, via Seleucia

Scene 30:
(Barnabas and Saul arrive in Paphos, having been summoned by the proconsul)

PROCONSUL: Saul, Barnabas! Welcome to Paphos!

SAUL: Hail God, proconsul. We are here to share the word of God, as we have done across the Island.

BARNABAS: Basically, Jesus is the son of God. Believe in him, repent, be baptized and, in the words of Eddie Izzard, all will be groovy. (Enter Elymas)

ELYMAS: No! This is not the way! These men perform no magic!

SAUL: You son of the devil, you enemy of all that is right, full of every sort of deceit and fraud. Will you not stop twisting the straight paths of the Lord? Even now the hand of the Lord is upon you. You will be blind, and unable to see the sun for a time. (A dark mist falls upon him)

ELYMAS: What kind of magic is this? I’m blinded?

PROCONSUL: Hmm... God has punished the magician. I see now the light

ELYMAS: I blinking well don’t!

BARNABAS: Our work here is done. We shall return to Perga in Pamphylia

PROCONSUL: Thank you for coming! May the good Lord look after you

Scene 31:
(Having been to Perga, Saul and Barnabas are now in Antioch, at the Synagogue)

RABBI: And that concludes today’s sermon. Before we depart, I understand Saul and Barnabas are present today. My brothers, if one of you has a word of exhortation for the people, please speak. (Congregation murmurs)

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Saul? Is he not a murderer of all who believe?

SAUL: (Standing on pew) Ladies and Gentlemen. I am converted! And, perhaps it is best if I am known as Paul henceforth.

BARNABAS: Oh no, not you as well. What is it with people changing their names?! And why do people keep standing on things?

PAUL: (to Barnabas) It is best if my reputation does not precede me. (To congregation) Fellow Israelites and you others who are God-fearing, listen. God gave our ancestors this land after leading Moses through the desert. Then they asked for a king. God raised up David as their king; of him he testified, 'I have found David, son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will carry out my every wish.' Now we have a saviour, Jesus. John heralded his coming by proclaiming a baptism of repentance to all the people of Israel and said, 'What do you suppose that I am? I am not he. Behold, one is coming after me; I am not worthy to unfasten the sandals of his feet.' My brothers, children of the family of Abraham, and those others among you who are God-fearing, to us this word of salvation has been sent. The inhabitants of Jerusalem and their leaders failed to recognize him, and by condemning him they fulfilled the oracles of the prophets that are read Sabbath after Sabbath. For even though they found no grounds for a death sentence, they asked Pilate to have him put to death, and when they had accomplished all that was written about him, they took him down from the cross and placed him in a tomb. But God raised him from the dead and for many days he appeared to those who had come up with him from Galilee to Jerusalem. These are now his witnesses before the people. We ourselves are proclaiming this good news to you that what God promised our ancestors he has brought to fulfilment for us, by raising up Jesus, as it is written in the second psalm, 'You are my son; this day I have begotten you.'

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Did he say forgotten?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: (irritated) Begotten you idiot!

PAUL: You must know, my brothers, that through him forgiveness of sins is being proclaimed to you, and) in regard to everything from which you could not be forgiven under the law of Moses, in him every believer is forgiven.”

RABBI: Marvellous. Please return next week an tell us more!

BARNABAS: We shall. In the meantime, remain faithful to the grace of God.

Scene 32:
(The following week, outside the synagogue. A huge crowd has gathered.)

PAUL: (addressing the crowd) Jesus was the son of God, as was predicted in Issiah and Pharaohs.

CROWD MEMBER 1: (interrupting) Blasphemous!

PAUL: No, this is the truth. You can take these facts as gospel.

SMALL CROWD SECTION: (chants) You scumbag! You maggot! You cheap lousy faggot!

BARNABAS: (boldly) It was necessary that the word of God be spoken to you first, but since you reject it and condemn yourselves as unworthy of eternal life, we now turn to the Gentiles.

PAUL: For so the Lord has commanded us, 'I have made you a light to the Gentiles, that you may be an instrument of salvation.”

GENTILES IN CROWD: Hoooray (cheer, etc). Praise God! We believe

GENTILE 1: It’s like the new X-files movie – I want to believe!

JEWS: Get out of our territory you blaspheming bastards! (Barnabas and Saul leave under a hail of debris, as a riot being to break out.


Scene 33:
(Barnabas and Saul arrive in the Lycaonian city of Lystra)

CRIPPLE: It’s Saul and Barnabas! What brings you to Lystra

BARNABAS: We’ve got fans!

PAUL: We were in Iconium, preaching, and performing wonders. The Gentiles loved us, the Jews got jealous. The whole city was divided. Anyway, they threw stones at us, and since hard hats haven’t been invented yet, we fled.

CRIPPLE: Wonders you say? What kind of wonders? Eating three crackers without drinking or licking ones lips?

BARNABAS: No, that’s impossible, even God can’t do that. But we can heal cripples

CRIPPLE: What a coincidence, I’m a cripple!

PAUL: Would you like a demonstration?

CRIPPLE: Yes please

PAUL: Stand up straight on your feet. (He jumps up and begins to walk)

ONLOOKER 1: Oh my God! That cripple is walking (a crowd gathers).

ONLOOKER 2: The Gods have come down to us in human form! Hail Zeus and Hermes!

BARNABAS: I am not Zeus! I am Thor! (The crowd looks on puzzled)

PAUL: (to Barnabas) Er, Barnabas, Norse mythology hasn’t been invented yet!

VIKING: (overhearing) Oh, darn it. No rape, murder, pillage here.

PRIEST OF ZEUS: (panting slightly under the strain of carrying an ox and garlands) Zeus has come down to us! Father Zeus, I have spread the word about you Zeus, at your temple! I bring garlands and Ox for sacrifice.

BARNABAS: (Repulsed) whoa, whoa. We’re more civilised than that. No sacrifices. It’s unclean

PAUL: “What God has made clean you are not to make unclean”?

BARNABAS: Yes, but that includes our sandals.

PAUL: That’s beside the point. Men, why are you doing this? We are of the same nature as you, human beings. We proclaim to you good news that you should turn from these idols to the living God, 'who made heaven and earth and sea and all that is in them.'

PRIEST OF ZEUS: Are you suggesting we betray Zeus, father of the pantheon at the Parthenon

BARNABAS: That sentence barely makes sense!

PAUL: In past generations he allowed all Gentiles to go their own ways; yet, he gave you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, and filled you with nourishment and gladness for your hearts.

ONLOOKERS: (Chant) Sacrifice! Sacrifice!

PAUL: No, no sacrifices!

ONLOOKERS: Booooooo! (Crowd begins to throw stones at Paul. He makes generic pained gestures, noises, and protestations. He falls to the ground and the crowd drags him out of the city, limb and lifeless. Barnabas looks on, sheltering from the stones and becoming increasingly frantic)

Scene 34:
(Saul and Barnabas have arrived back in Antioch, and are at the church)

VICAR: Welcome back to Antioch! What have you been up to since you were last here

PAUL: Blimey, we’ve got a list. We were in Lystra and we got stoned.

VICAR: But I thought you said drugs were very bad?

PAUL: And I thought they were entirely natural

BARNABAS: (sighs) He means stoned, as in stones were thrown at him. I thought he was dead!

VICAR: (concerned) Blimey, are you OK

PAUL: It is necessary for us to undergo many hardships to enter the kingdom of God

BARNABAS: From there we went to Derbe

VICAR: Oh, how was that?

BARNABAS: Rubbish, they got beaten 6-0 by West Ham. West bloody Ham!

VICAR: It’s always good to hear the mighty hammers are doing well, over land and sea

PAUL: From there we went back to Lystra, then Iconium, and now here.

VICAR: Marvellous, why are you here?

BARNABAS: We are here to appoint more church leaders to help you out

VICAR: Oh, well I am already being assisted by a Mr. Reverend and a Mr. Pastor.

PAUL: In which case, we shall return to Jerusalem in a few days.

VICAR: I see, pass on the news that all is good here

Scene 35
(Barnabas and Paul have returned to Jerusalem, to discuss an important religious matter. The apostles are together)

PAUL: The people of Judea have made an interesting point. Should we insist that the Gentiles are circumcised? (All shudder).

PETER: My brothers, you are well aware that from early days God said that the Gentiles would hear the word of the gospel and believe. And God granted them the holy Spirit just as he did us. He made no distinction between us and them, even though they are uncircumcised (all shudder). Why, then, are you now putting God to the test by placing on the shoulders of the disciples a yoke –

ANDREW: No yoke? Are we allowed to eat the egg white only?

THADDEUS: Not that kind of yoke! We can eat egg yolk on shoulders!

JOHN: (making notes) Egg on shoulder permissible, presumably with chip on shoulder?

PETER: (ignoring them) A yoke that neither our ancestors nor we have been able to bear? On the contrary, we believe that we are saved through the grace of the Lord Jesus, in the same way as they. (Silence)

PAUL: Many cripples and lame people have been cured, even amongst the Gentiles. (More silence)

JAMES: My brothers, listen to me. Symeon –

PAUL: Who the hell is Symeon?

PETER: It’s my new pseudonym. Do you like it?

BARNABAS: Hang on, so you are Peter, formerly known as Simon, know also known as Symeon?! Does everyone in this God nonforesaken organisation need extra names?

PETER: Whoa, calm down. It’s only a sobriquet. A nickname if you will.

BARNABAS: What? Who’s Nick?

JAMES: Please, the name thing can be dealt with later. Symeon has described how God first went about getting Gentiles converted. As the prophets said, 'After this I shall return and rebuild the fallen hut of David; from its ruins I shall rebuild it and raise it up again, so that the rest of humanity may seek out the Lord, even all the Gentiles on whom my name is invoked. Thus says the Lord who accomplishes these things, known from of old.'

PAUL: So we are basically a new religion

SECOND ANDREW: Hippies! Sweet!

JAMES: Indeed. It is my judgment, therefore, that we ought to stop troubling the Gentiles who turn to God, but tell them by letter to avoid pollution from idols, unlawful marriage, the meat of strangled animals, and blood.

PETER: Here here. We should send people with Paul and Barnabas back to Antioch to spread this news.

PHILLIP: Let us send Judas, known as Barsabbas, and Silas. They are both young and worthy, and have sought commission.

THOMAS: We should send them a letter.

MATTHIAS: What kind of letter

PETER: Oh, I don’t know... Something like: The apostles, your brothers, to the brothers in Antioch, Syria, and Cilicia of Gentile origin: greetings. We have heard that some of our number went out without any mandate from us, and have upset you with their teachings and disturbed your peace of mind, we have with one accord decided to choose representatives and to send them to you along with our beloved Barnabas and Paul, who have dedicated their lives to the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. So we are sending Judas and Silas who will also convey this same message by word of mouth: 'It is the decision of the holy Spirit and of us not to place on you any burden beyond these necessities, namely, to abstain from meat sacrificed to idols, from blood, from meats of strangled animals, and from unlawful marriage. If you keep free of these, you will be doing what is right. Farewell.

JOHN (still note-taking) Got it!

SIMON: “Greetings”? That seems a bit lame

BARTHOLOMEW: What would you prefer, “I come in peace”?

PETER: That wording will do. Barnabas, Paul. Go find Silas and Barsabbas, take them and the letter with you.